Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
