ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
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