I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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