textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
