nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
