I just saw a hot homeless man
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
