Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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