There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
