its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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