just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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