Barsexuality is the new black.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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