remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
