My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
