you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
