I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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