there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
