what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
