There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
