Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
