mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
