it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
