I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
