I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
