ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
