I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Four minutes until I can fart!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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