This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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