I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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