omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Couch. On fire.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
