News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my liver is dry heaving
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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