I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize