I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
