so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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