The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
