I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
