Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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