i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
