Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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