anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
