You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
