Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
