Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
