yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize