i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
