If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
