Soap is not a condiment
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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