i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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