Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So squirting runs in the family.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
