the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
