she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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