Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
