Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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