I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
