#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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