Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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