my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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