I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
