Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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