I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
