Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
